Lack-Luster Productions

Lack-Luster Productions have released A brand new cinematic for the big screen. After a size able disagreement over royalties involving many of its illicit straight to VHS movies we are back.

Now from the creators of such films as: There's something about Mayble. A story of a sexually frustrated old woman chasing her man around the Shady Pines retirement village, Saw 10 The Plight of a Grizzly Lumberjack and lets not forget the possibly nominated 300 Spartans. A homosexual snuff movie were 300 Spartans take on the the full force of the Persian army in a hail of STD's and torn rectal cavities.

Now released The film about the quest of Amel Shakeshake Mohammad and his friends. This 40 year old must defile as many virgins as possible while fending off the incoming onslaught of infidels and maybe finding true love on the way. Staring Mel Gibson as Amel, Jersey Shores Snooki as Many Virgins and Boris Johnson as Amels Side kick.

 Empire gave it 5 stars and put it in there top 500. Saying "This film is simply amazing a must see for the next year". Would they lie for a directors cut of Crash and a bag amphetamines. We don't think so. Purchase now and you will receive your own bomb making kit and virgin.

(Quality of virgins and bombs may vary. Some of these products may be used)

Holiday = Work Torture

As per my last post the more astute of you will have guessed that I took a week away coupled with the Jubilee weekend (not her birthday) I've had nearly two weeks off work. Now on the surface this sounds great I can hear the millions of people now say lucky you we have worked are fingers to the bone, noses to the grindstone etc.

How did this saying come about seriously?

When I returned to work I remembered why I only have a couple of days of at a time. One of my colleagues had kindly organised my desk in such away to give maximum impact on how much work I have to do. There was six nicely organised piles that resembled the height of Everest. I know this to be true by the large amount of oxygen canisters now residing next to my desk. I've only managed to service for air long enough to write this.

My main point of all of this is that normally you go on holiday and have all the stresses of getting there a week of arguing with friends/family/strangers that think they know better. After all of this when you finally get back to the norm you need another holiday to readjust. Why do we bother? Wouldn't we all be happier if we never went on holiday? Or better still if we never worked and just sat at home drinking beer with a selection of xbox/ps3 games only stopping to download porn. 

I'll let you all decide.......'Stops typing as I start drowning in the ever increasing sea of paper work'

Technology I miss you

The more keen eyed of you may realise that I haven't posted anything in a week. The main reaons for this are:

I was on Holiday.
There wasn't a computer for miles around.
I shut my pride and joy. My smartphone in my car door the day I left in my car door.

This has made me realise how much I miss technology or depend on it. The amount of times I wish I had a computer to even check the weather. For example my phone would have been a Sat Nav, internet, music/radio, entertainment and having all the normal function of a phone. I also missed the television not to mention all the sporting events I would of watch.

There was one saving light which was the fridge which mercifully was constantly stocked with beer.

This was a quick post today because im shattered for the 4 1/2 hour fuel saving driving I had to do.
I'll make sure to give you all an update of my holiday when I have got photos etc. (Somthing else my phone could have been used for)

Two Types of People

Today at IDBit  I want to talk about the two types of people in the world. Those of us with good follicle skin organs and those of us without. Obviously there are lots of sub categories like chav, mosher and weirdo etc. If you haven't caught on to what I'm talking about its beards.

Now it doesn't matter if your a man or a woman at some point you will have to tackle your beard. Now for women this isn't to much of a problem. For most of your lives you precariously pluck, tweeze, wax, dye and bleach the one inch wonder that is your tash. Then if you make it to 80 years 50% of you make it to blonde bum fluff. This is the case unless you manage to grow a beard on par with half of the middle east then your career path is set for you.

 

I suspect this one actually started life as a man

With men it tends to be slightly different but an equal 50/50 split. You can either grow a beard so well the your face looks like a stab wound in a gorillas back or your like me. Which means your doomed to spend the rest of your life standing in a pot of miracle grow nurturing the bristly mess that constitutes your beard. Now if you let this rabble grow it actually looks like someone has put glue on your face thrown pubes on you and released you on the world. ' This is a fact if I had a image of my younger brother I'd show you his attempts at this.'  Keeping with a faint gardening theme you need some patch magic to resolve the issues of your pube beard not even populating your entire face.

Let me know if your a to beard or not to beard.

Nik 

  

Fitness Levels: Zero

Now as the title suggests this post is going to be able fitness levels. More to the point my general level of fitness.

By no means am I overweight or that unhealthy OK so I'm not overweight but am unhealthy. (Fortunately I was blessed with a metabolism faster than this man.) So when a work colleague said that we was joining a 5 but later turned out to be a 6-a-side team I ran off jumped at the chance.

Now just to fill you in sports aren't really my thing. I dabble at golf but the only real time I exerts myself is when a attractive lady gets dragged down the range by her meat head of a boyfriend. Quite often I get a stitch walking up a flight of stairs. So this was going to be a challenge. 

I won't fill you in on the details of the match. There was some sliding, lots of goals, three footballs and blood. AstroTurf + knee = :(.  We won but the entire team felt like this after.

 So after the match and a short kip in my brothers car I realised how unfit I actually was and that I needed to do something to improve. I was also spurred on by the fact that it was two days ago and various parts of my body still feel like they were introduced to a blender.

I can take solace in the fact that by this time next week I should be up to 0.1% fitness which means I'll be able to out run the drug addled drone heads in my area.

ADFP

Anti-depressants for Pheasants

This is an urgent appeal to all human kind. Can you find it within yourself to donate just £2 pounds a month? To long we have stood on the sidelines, while a certain avian friend has reached suicidal levels of depression. A am of course talking about the pheasant.

This is the story about Phil. 


On one manically depressive day Phil told Philise that he was going down the pub to drown his sorry in the bottom of a glass. Little did Philise know that this would be the last time she saw him alive. ( Nothing to do with the fact she proceeded to drown herself to cope with her depression.)

After several glasses of the finest glass of grass brewed ale that seed can buy Phil knew what need to be done. Rallying the rest of his comrades who all to were suffering from huge level of depression. The seed crunch was effecting everyone one. They all walked alone the road and waited for what the ancestors called the lights.

After what seemed like hours, when does with weak wills started to give up hope it finally happened. Two lights appeared in the distance Phil of course new what to do. The suicidal technique had been passed down from Pheasant to Pheasant for generations. As the approaching lights grew brighter they readied themselves. The rookie kamikaze pilots dived in front of the car but where dodged effortlessly.

Phil waited, looking from side-to-side the car was feet away. At this moment he stepped out...........R.I.P  Phil.

Now please can you find it in your heart to donate. Your £2 pound a month will help buy anti depressants for these birds, and copious amounts of exstacy for the worst effected. If this fails your money will help to humainly dispatch of this race before they go the same way as the dodo.

So please can you help keep this bird in fields and wooded areas and out of the grills of motor vehicles.

Superhero's

  Before we begin I don't hate superhero's I just think they are ill conceived at birth.

The biggest issue with superhero's is the unbelievable lengths that you have to go through to become one. Lets face it most of the time you have to go through some horrific process of genetic mutation, praying that your able to survive what no-one else can. After the brutal ordeal of having some radioactive dog chew on your nuts the superpowers that you get on the other side seem to be decidedly random.

After all of this you can pretty much guaranty that your going to attract alot of trouble. Which is fine but imagine on your wedding day just a when your about to kiss your loving bride. BAM! Half your guest are killed or maimed then you wife whisked away by some villain while you deal with his underlings . You must then rescue said wife before marrying her for her money. 

It becomes impossible to have good friends because for some reason they're morphed into your arch-nemesis. This is the true test of who your friends as they try and kill you. If this doesn't happen you essentially know canon fodder should things take a turn for the worst.

After all of this the hours are crap, you can't get life insurance, you have to step up when evil invades, you don't get paid (admiration doesn't pay the bills) but worst of all what self respecting person wants to be seen in copious amounts of Lycra?